(This was originally written in 2012)
I was thinking about the last couple years. Just last summer I was CONVINCED there was no hope for my marriage to Robert Bradley. I could give you a long list of his weaknesses, and a long list of mine. The biggest problem was that I was in so much pain and resentment I couldn't talk to him without yelling. I wanted out not only because I was unhappy, but because I felt out of control.
How did I overcome it? I listened to what I was screaming at him. "Won't you just WAKE UP! Take care of your responsabilities! Why can't you just be honest with me?" I started asking myself those questions, and answering them.
Am I asleep, in denial, in my life?
What responsibilities do I have that I'm not fulfilling?
What am I not being honest about?
The answers all led back to some type of fear. I faced all those fears according to my faith in God and in who I really am.
Then I asked, "What is it that I want him to give me?" and I started giving it to myself. I didn't necessarily do all the right things. Some of my answers to myself were still off the mark, selfish. But in starting to take accountability for my own feelings and desires I opened myself up to the healing balm of truth and the healing that comes as we let God in. As long as I was building up a case against Rob, I was blocking myself from the clarity and healing I needed.
Just cognitive rescripting was not enough. I learned new energy techniques for removing blockages as well. I am confident that healing would have happened either way, because healing comes from God. I have used rescripting before, it just takes longer. However, clearing the energy helped me to process through things much more quickly.
No matter what method we use, true healing comes from God. I firmly believe that what is missing in our marriages is God. We are so focussed on meeting needs, speaking languages, understanding the person from the other planet, and filling love bank accounts that we fail to seek healing and comfort from God. We get so focussed on what we want, what someone ought to do or be that we forget that others want and there are things WE ought to be. Even when that expectation comes from scripture, let the one without sin cast the first stone.
Many of the same challenges we were facing a few months ago still exist. But in turning to God I no longer feel desperate to make my husband into something or someone who can meet my needs, provide my wants and fill my empty spaces. I work on meeting my needs and trust in God to make up the difference. I know God does the same for Rob. I can see my husband for his brilliance because I’m not convinced I know best.
It's not always easy. There are voices all around talking about what we deserve, how people "should be", and how to get it. It's a challenge to remain accountable, and to mind your own business and not try to demand another person to live up to YOUR expectations. Yet, it is possible and the most beautiful love and rewarding relationship can develop when two people stop needing, start accepting and chosing forgiveness and love over blame and resentment.
It’s like the two wolves : good, and evil. Which one will live? the one you feed. In a relationship the wolves are love/unity or resentment/separation. Which one are you feeding?
Liz King Bradley