So the truth is that there's a ton of mommies out there with rage issues. I'm not just talking about mom's who abuse, I'm talking about the ones who disconnect from their kids because they can't seem to interact without boiling over and don't want to harm them. Do you retreat into your housework, TV, hobbies, etc. because for some reason being in the moment with your kids is just too much pressure?
I had a conversation with a woman I know to be a great mom today about this topic. We talked about the struggle when you just can;t seem to get through and you just want them to be happy healthy, well-adjusted kids. Here's what I know about the rage. Rage is a mask or reaction to fear. We jump from the 3-4 year old who is hitting a sibling to a 20 year old in jail for assault. For those of us who know people who have gone to jail for assault this fear is particularly real. Here's the truth...your child is not 20 years old, is not gong to jail, and is having a very normal child moment. YOU are in a spastic outerspace other dimension assuming omniscience.
Step one BREATH. When we are in the magnitude of fear that propels us 15-20 years into the future we are practically having an out of body experience, we are certainly out of our minds. If you are like me, you are probably having a hard time formulating coherent sentences and spewing threats of punishments and maybe words of discouragement. So STOP SPEAKING and BREATH. If one or two breaths isn't enough, try timeout, good for them, and GREAT for you.
Step Two: What am I afraid of? Is that real? In other words, is my child an adult who is socially backward, physically abusive, outcast, etc.? Nope. There are a whole bunch of assumptions that are swimming around in your mind when your raging, a whole bunch of imagined horrible outcomes that bring the feelings of desparation. Perhaps the biggest fear is "My child is going to be just like me." That is a self-worth and self-love and acceptance issue. It isn't as difficult as we like to make it, it is a simple choice, chose to love and accept yourself and then chose to do the same for your child. Simple, may not be instantaneous or easy, but it IS simple. At the end I will talk about steps for love and acceptance of self, for now, back to duffusing the raging Mommy! Make a choice in this moment to believe your child is good at his/her core and just needs a little love. I mean they need nurturing. Nurturing means to help grow.
Hopefully by now you are calm and have realized that the driving fear is an exaggeration, a lie and have replaced it with the truth.
Step Three: Get into your heart (some people do this quickly by placing their left hand over the space on their body where their heart is) and ask one simple question: "What is my best course of action?" Ok, this could be a few different questions. "What does he/she need?", "What will help them learn the lesson and know of my love for them?" People who know how much you care about them are way more receptive to information you share with them.
So the fast version is:
Get to your HEART
Unless the first thing that pops into your mind is something harmful or abusive, do it. If it's still angry, sad, etc. go back to step one. If nothing comes...do nothing for the moment and trust that the necessary idea will come. Whatever pre-planned consequence there is for the behavior is still a good idea and the teaching moments are not always in the moment. God cares about us and He cares about His kids, the opportunity is never lost as long as there is willingness to learn and act.
Rage is the result and mask that fear and desparation wear. Why do we fear? what do we fear? We fear failure, pain, suffering. We fear because we believe in undesirable outcomes more than success, happiness, and certainty. Why would be believe in the undesirable outcomes? Simple. We believe in our own failure and doubt our own value, worth and abilities. We can switch that. "I chose to believe in the divinity and fundamental goodness of myself and my children, because I believe in this I know there is a solution and that I will find it." "Furthermore I believe in a living and loving God who is guiding and supporting me in this relationship and in my role as a parent and know that my weakness will be compensated for in His strength, I chose to trust Him." When we feel alone or we feel it is "all on us" and we don't know what to do desparation sets in and that's when we begin to lose control. Taking time to breath, remind ourselves of truth, and seek divine guidance can quickly restore us to sanity, and spare our children the verbal or physical abuse or neglect that comes with a rage. You CAN make the decision that the last rage you had is THE last. YOU are in charge and what YOU say goes. Your behavior and even your feelings are your choice. What comes up is beyond your control, what you do with it is completely your responsibility and what you THINK determines what you FEEL.
The key to consistent positive change is rescripting. First, determine exactly what you will do, think, and say next time the opportunity to rage comes up and how it feels to remain calm. Allow yourself to see and feel in your heart and mind exactly what that will be. Write this on paper and review it as often as necessary to let it sink in.
There may be another component to address. What self-care could you implement daily to recharge yourself? Daily exercise of some kind, proper rest, good hygene, and reasonable pampering of yourself can help keep you in serenity. Most importantly daily time with God will fortify you and fill you with the light, peace and strength to meet the privileges and responsibilities that are yours.
When we begin to accept and love ourselves, let go of the pain and fear of the past we free up space in our lives and in our hearts for God. It's true! With God, all things are possible, INCLUDING freedom from ever raging again. You deserve to be the kind of mom you want to be, let yourself be it.
Dowload this MP3 FREE here >>>>>Changing the Broken Patterns/Drawing Strength from God
Liz King Bradley